My First Million Words

Welcome to my writing trash can.

My current bliss

Nov 16

Posted by learningtowrite in WritingJustToBeWriting | No Comments

It’s late. I should be asleep. But right now I’m in such bliss it’s hard to describe. Can I set the scene? Sure. I’m in my study (man cave?), with a glass of Glenlivet 12 yr old scotch, The Dave Brubeck Quuartet (on vinyl) playing on the stereo, and until I decided to make this blog post I was reading. The door is closed. The wife is downstairs in bed. Asleep? Probably not, but nevertheless I don’t have to feel like I’m ignoring her since she’s not in the next room watching TV.

If I had imagined myself in this scene 15 years ago – heck, 10 years ago probably – I would definitely classified myself as old. Maybe I am, I don’t know. I do know that I appreciate things like music much more than I used to. I appreciate a good glass of scotch way more than I used to. And I appreciate a book more – no, wait, I’ve always loved to read and have always really appreciated books. Thanks, Mom!

It wasn’t 4 hours ago that I was jealous of my manager having learned there was some exclusive Halloween party for management that I wasn’t invited to. But the reality is that right now he is probably working and I’m doing this. WINNING!

Thank you Father, for letting me have this moment.

How He Loves Us

Aug 2

Posted by learningtowrite in Christianity, love, music | 1 Comment

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

I’m sitting at my desk at work.  I just finished up some early morning tasks and I need a good chunk of uninterrupted time to work on my next item, so I’m cleaning up some odds and ends like filling out time spent on some enhancements, moving some documents, stuff like that.  I put on the David Crowder album Church Music in Spotify.  I am also thinking over life stuff as I’m working.  Things like what I want to do with the rest of my life.  Am I being called to something completely different.  Things like that.  Also things about basic home chores and stuff.  Lots of things running through my mind.  Then the song “How He Loves Us” comes on.

And O how He loves us
Oh, O how He loves us
How He loves us all

Yeah He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves

Suddenly things that have been stressing me out just melt away.  I hear it all the time, since I’m involved in the church community, that He loves us.  He loves me. Maybe I’ve heard it so much it doesn’t sink in.  But it sinks in now.  Almost bringing me to tears at my desk. At my office.  Around my coworkers.  EEEK!

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

That He loves us…

 

Writing it up now is almost making me cry again.  Why can’t I remember this all the time?  It should be a constant in my head, not something that I have to stumble upon over and over again.  I need to let go of stuff and let God happen.
 

Are you that guy?

Jul 27

Posted by learningtowrite in Christianity, church | No Comments

Matthew Paul Turner over at Jesus Needs New PR has a new blog entry about how he no longer wants to be that guy.  Even though it wanders a bit, I think it’s a great post.   I agree with what he has to say. I used to be “that guy” though it was before the days of blogs and everyone having a voice.  I was that about my religion, but I was especially that guy about politics.  You know, the guy your friends got to get in a debate because you had all the facts, knew how to present them, and made it difficult on the other person to respond.  Back in the days that online forums were the way to communicate and have community I could really tear up a forum thread.  Just let it get to anything political, have me face off with a liberal (I’m fairly conservative, though not nearly as much as I used to be) and boy howdy we were off!  I could tear that thing up!  Facts, links to online resources, footnotes, citations, all the while beating them into submission until they just stopped responding.  WIN!  Or so I thought.  I could do the same when it came to matters of faith.

But at some point I came to the same realization MPT has here.  That wasn’t a good reflection of the real me.  The real me loved people, wanted everyone to get along, and was confused by those that just couldn’t “see the light”.  I don’t really know why I thought that every single discussion where I disagreed with someone was a competition to be won.  Or why I thought it was my job to police the areas I frequented on behalf of the things I believed in.

I have gone so far the other way that I’ve done something in this post that I rarely ever do anymore.  I identified my political leanings.  At one point I realized that wearing my political beliefs on my sleeve kept people from hearing the Gospel message I was trying to share – whether that be in words or actions.  That having my political beliefs known colored how people saw me acting out my faith.  I don’t want my message compromised.

Recently I’ve become more of a sports fan, but for the first 30-odd years of my life I didn’t follow sports much.  I’d watch most of the games of my local NFL franchise, but other than that I didn’t keep up with it much.  Politics was my sport.  When a friend asked once why I wasn’t into sports much I responded with something along the lines of how I put my extra energy into politics.  Who won a basketball game didn’t change the way I lived, but what bills got passed surely would.

Well, now I’ve reached the point that politics have become like sports were and my Christian faith has become like politics were.  My energy goes into my faith and showing it to others.

I especially liked this part of Matthew’s post (emphasis mine):

Sadly, we Christians have created an arrogant subculture. Many of us are so arrogant that we are unwilling to take long glances in the mirror, and we rarely listen when others–outside of our subculture–hold up that mirror and show us a reflection. And maybe that reflection isn’t perfect or 100% correct. But as followers of Jesus, people who are supposed to be very comfortable in our humility and to be pursuing mercy and peace, whether the message is 100% true or not or presented with love or laced with f-words, that “reflection” matters. It matters because the person holding up the mirror is a human being who says it matters. And we Christians are called to care more about that human being than the mirror or message or agenda that he/she may or may not be holding. But sadly, most of the time, we are too arrogant to listen. And when we do listen, our response is usually the kind that only adds fuel to the fire.

MPT will probably never even venture by here and see this, but just in case he does to him I say “Bravo!”.

I leave you with this:

“Spread the Gospel at all times.  If necessary, use words.” — St. Francis of Assisi

Coming down from a great week

Jul 25

Posted by learningtowrite in Christianity, spritiual discipline | No Comments

Today I stepped back into the real world.  Or, rather, the corporate world.  Last week I was on vacation from my day job, but I wasn’t traveling with my wife.  I did my annual mission trip with my church youth group.  As usual, it was incredible.  Today I am going through withdrawal.  I’m at my desk in an air conditioned office, sitting in front of a computer in a comfortable chair.  I had a hot lunch.  I had the good, premium coffee (freshly ground) that I make at home with my breakfast.  I’m going to get in my pickup with the leather seats and drive to my somewhat air-conditioned house.  I’m going to have some kind of incredible dinner that my wife is going to make for me, and watch something on my 40″ HDTV.  Then I’m going to crawl into my comfy, king size bed with my feather pillows and get a good night’s rest.

Assuming my wife would be with me, where would I rather be?  Scraping and painting a broken down house in 100+ degree weather with a bunch of teenagers.  Eating a PB&J sandwich for lunch.  Sleeping on the floor in a church basement (on an air mattress) and having to occasionally yell at a bunch of teenage boys to shut up and go to sleep – at 11:30 P.M.  I’d rather be seeing the joy in the face of the person I’m helping than the smile on my manager’s face when I get a project completed. And I’d rather see the joy on the face of the teenager when they see what helping people really feels like.

I’m going through withdrawal.  Yeah, it’s hot.  Yeah, the work is hard.  But people need help.  I need to find a way to be able to do that more often.

14 What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? 15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

18 But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”

Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

James 2:14-19

 

How do you discern a calling?

Jul 1

Posted by learningtowrite in Christianity, church, dreams | 1 Comment

In my previous post I commented about learning about the recent movements to go out and serve those in need.  I’ve always felt like that.  Well, probably not, but it seems like it.  I’ve felt that way for more than 10 yrs. or so, so I guess it just seems like forever.

Now I’m trying to discern whether or not I’m being called to this.  To quit my corporate technology job (that admittedly pays pretty well) for a job at a charity of some sort.  I’m the only one in my household that works, so I can’t just quit and volunteer.  Fortunately we own our house and cars free and clear, so a roof over our head and a means to get around is guaranteed (repairs notwithstanding).  I have lots of other debts that I’ve been working on (and mostly failing at) paying down the last few years, but that’s all unsecured debt.  Don’t misunderstand me – I’m not advocating bailing out on those you owe even if they are evil credit card companies.  Scripture calls for repaying those you owe.  But if I’m called to a new job at a charity of some sort and they can’t pay me what I make now, and it was a choice between paying them and keeping the lights on, buying groceries, buying clothing, etc. guess who wins?

But I digress.  What I need is to discern if this is a call.  What do I want to do? Put in my notice today and start looking for charity jobs.  What do I REALLY want to do?  Walk out the door now, go home and pack a bag, and hit the road for my hometown where the big serve-your-neighbor effort is underway.  I’m not sure how my wife would feel about that.  Wait, scratch that – I am sure.  She would not want to move there and do that.  She would want me to respond to God’s call, but not move that far away from home.  It’s bad enough that we live an hour away now, much less a day’s drive away.

So is the call to move to my hometown and help?  Is the call to quit my job and work for a charity? Or is the call just to start getting involved, outside my regular job, in the small town I live in now?  How do I figure that out?

Life is short. Change the world.

Jun 29

Posted by learningtowrite in Christianity, church, dreams | No Comments

I just read this post (or watched that video) over at Arms Wide Open.  That kind of thing is the my passion.  The thing my heart longs for.  I don’t want to go door to door asking people where they’d be if they died tonight.  I’m not questioning the importance of that.  I’m just saying that I am pretty certain that is not my calling.  I know the old adage – God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called.  But any time I see a video like that, my heart just longs to be there, doing that, sharing the Gospel in that way.  When the tornadoes hit Alabama and Missouri I just wanted to quit my job, go there, and help.  Doesn’t matter what, just help.  I just recently learned of a similar program going on in my hometown.  A young man who had spent a summer there in his high school days decided to move back, dragging along his wife, and work on the town.  He is a pastor now. He felt God’s call to pack up and move across the country to be there and do that stuff.  He started a ministry, and they have Sat evening services, but that’s just part of what they do.  He has a part-time job in town – not relying on all of his income from the ministry.  The project’s goal is to help people that need it – whatever “it” is.  Buy them groceries.  Pay a utility bill.  Fix up a house – mow the lawn, paint it, get the plumbing fixed, etc.  Whatever people’s needs are – meet them.  And in doing so spread the Gospel.

One of my favorite quotes, and the thing I try to make a personal motto, is a quote from St. Francis of Assisi: “Spread the Gospel at all times.  If necessary, use words.”

I need to go do some Gospel spreading.  How about you?

My addiction

May 21

Posted by learningtowrite in Uncategorized | No Comments

I finally figured out a big issue in my life.  I have an addiction.  A severe addiction.  They say the first step in dealing with an addiction is acknowledging your addiction, right? Well, welcome to step 1.

My addiction isn’t to alcohol, drugs, or even pornography.  I’m addicted to laziness.  I am inherently lazy. I do the things I have to do – that’s no problem. Anything that I have any sort of accountability on I make sure I get done, because I simply can’t appear to the world as a lazy person.  But things I have only told myself (or my wife) I want to do like learn to play the guitar, write in this blog, learn to program in areas I don’t use in my day job, improve my website design skills, start my web design business, and on and on and on – these things I can somehow manage to put off until later.  And that later never gets here.

I don’t really plan it that way.  In fact, lots of days during my 1 hr. drive home from work I think that I’ll get home, take the dog for a walk, have some dinner, then get busy on project X (where project X is any one of those many things listed above).  What do I do instead?  Sit on the couch and watch TV with my wife.

I realize I can’t just ignore my wife and go off into my office every night and work on my private projects.  But she knows I want to do these other things and she wouldn’t begrudge me time to work on them, especially if I had a regular schedule for them like every Tues/Thurs evening or something.  But I always end up just goofing off.

For some reason, while thinking about this on a recent drive home the light bulb came on and I realized I am addicted to being lazy.  I enjoy it while I do it, but I hate myself for it later.

Well, step one accomplished: Acknowledge the problem. Now time for step 2: Change behavior.

The Feast of the Resurrection

Apr 25

Posted by learningtowrite in Christianity, church | No Comments

Had a great day today celebrating the Feast of the Resurrection.  Great church service this morning, then went and had a great lunch and afternoon with family.  Barbeque, great sides, great desserts, and above all great company and great conversation.

Almighty Father, thank You for loving us enough to sacrifice Your Son – having Him pay the penalty for my sin.  Please give me the words I need to share your love with those in need.  Please show me how I can let your light shine through me out to the world.  In the name of Your Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Discipline

Apr 23

Posted by learningtowrite in Christianity, church, spritiual discipline | No Comments

It has become glaringly obvious to me lately that my discipline has slipped dramatically.  In some areas it has disappeared completely.  No wonder I feel tired and stressed out all the time.  Not being disciplined about life stresses me out.  I need order in my life, to some degree at least, to be able to relax.

I’ve started to add some of that discipline back into my life this past week.  It was completely coincidental that it started during Holy Week, but Monday morning I started doing the morning prayer from the daily office of the Anglican Church again.  For several years this was part of my routine.  I enjoyed it – or at least I did after I did it (kind of like exercise), but always dreaded having to get up early to have time for it.  At some point I let it slip to just some Bible reading and prayer.  And at some other point that slipped to nothing.   I’ve started back doing it daily this week, and I’m praying (literally) that it sticks this time.  I’m using the daily morning prayer found here and it seems to be working well for me.

An unfortunate victim of Holy Week was my newly restarted habit of a daily walk.  I had been taking the dog out for a 30 minute (or so) walk every evening when I got home from work while my wife finished up dinner.  This week we had church every night at 7:00 so that threw my schedule off a bit.  The walks should resume once this weekend has passed.

Next up: regain the habit of regular reading time.

Follow-up from the weekend

Feb 22

Posted by learningtowrite in Christianity, church, creativity, music | No Comments

The lost weekend has come and gone.  And did I enjoy it? Absolutely.  Once we got there and got into everything going on, I really enjoyed it.  The overall plan of the weekend was to have kids join a particular fine arts group (dance, photography, music/praise team, sound/video tech, scripture reading/speaking) and both learn how those things can be used in worship along with planning a worship service for Sunday afternoon in the small town near the camp.  We had a worship service on Sat morning and evening also for the camp. Between those, as well as on Sunday morning, were the fine arts sessions.  All of that culminated in the Sunday afternoon worship service.  Quite a few people from the town came out.  It was great.  I really enjoyed it.

But the other thing that came out of that weekend was some renewed desires.  I’ll talk about those in my next post.